I hate his stupid missionary parents, I hate his 4 brothers and sister, I hate the baby tim tebows in the philippines, I hate every announcer that loves tim tebow. I hate tim tebow, and hope he gets hit by a bus
That is all.
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Ezekiel 23:29
"Then I said unto them, What is the high place whereunto ye go? And the name thereof is called Bamah unto this day."
Tebow Skips Senior Season, Ascends Directly Into Heaven
MIAMI (SP) -- Shortly after leading the Florida Gators to a national championship with a 24-14 win over Oklahoma, junior quarterback Tim Tebow announced that he would skip his senior season and ascend directly into heaven.
Tebow entered the press room to wild applause. A reporter for a 24- hour cable sports network burst into tears when the 2007 Heisman winner entered the room. Another threw a pair of boxer shorts on the podium. Tebow smiled at the gesture and several sports reporters fainted.
"Sorry I'm late," Tebow began. "There was a six-year-old boy with cancer in row 54 and I had to make my way through the crowd to heal him."
"I want to start by saying that playing quarterback for the University of Florida, winning two national championships, has been a great honor. There has been some speculation about my future and I want to clear that up right now," he continued.
"Don't go, Tim!" a reporter shouted from the back of the room.
"After much consideration, I have decided to skip my senior season at the University of Florida and ascend directly into Heaven," Tebow announced. Upon making the announcement, Tebow was bathed in a blinding white light and vanished.
In response to the news, ESPN announced they will have a month-long tribute to Tebow. ESPN2 will now be known as ESPN-TEBOW and will feature Tebow highlights (including home videos of Tebow's childhood), re-airings of past interviews, Tebow-centric analysis by ESPN air personalities, a Tebow quiz show and a reality show to find the "most Tebow-like" person in America.
"He wasn't just the greatest player in college football history," said a college football writer at the press conference, tears streaming down his face. "He might have been the greatest person to ever walk on earth."
Forget Jim Brown, Jackie Robinson, Dave Winfield, and all those other legends who were multi-sport studs in college. Or Deion Sanders, Bo Jackson, and Brian Jordan. Don't even dare mention Julius Peppers, Tony Gonzalez or Donovan McNabb. And who gives a darn about Antonio Gates, a failed power forward who got shoehorned into the NFL and became an All-Pro.
The real champ is here. And unsurprisingly, his name is Tebow. Sources deep within the board of Pizza Hut have confirmed that the supernatural Florida QB will leave school and enter the NBA draft, kind of like Gates in reverse. What's more, we've been all but assured that he'll go first overall, immediately start at center for the Thunder, and combine the best qualities of Shaq, Nash, and John Wooden. Kind of like Kevin Garnett, if he gave a darn about the weight room, kept his mouth shut, didn't wuss out about the post, and knew the meaning of clutch. And was white.
Tebow has little or no organized basketball experience, but scouts are certain he'll excel. High IQ on the court, size, strength, character, leadership, and passing ability, we've never seen another player like him. Except for the time Daunte Culpepper dunked in a charity game. I know it sounds crazy but really, anything is possible. Impossible is nothing. It takes five for KG, but Tebow is The One. Like Neo. Seriously, the NBA is such a degenerate mess, devoid of sportsmanship and real grit, how could this kind of ethereal sporting phenom not immediately step in and dominate. Someone has to right the natural order of things, to put pro basketball in its place, and surely Tebow's the man to do it.
A leak from the Justice Department suggests that Tebow plans to win three MVPs in three years, to go with two titles, and then live on a mountain with Favre for a season before coming down to start his distinguished NFL career. After having wiped out the NBA once and for all.
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John 14:6
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
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